Who am I?
The alchemy of authenticity means freedom, liberation and being comfortable in taking up space.
For years I’ve struggled with this question. Who am I really? Where do I belong? Growing up I didn’t quite “fit in” and yet I had a lot of friends, from varied backgrounds and with different interests. The bubble of urban India, makes you feel like the second generation of immigrants in your own country. You know you’re not like the average Indian, thanks to your privilege and exposure in a rapidly developing economy, but neither are you officially the “outsider” or racially a “foreigner”. Because tradition is embedded in your DNA.
Shrink that bubble even smaller, if you’re someone who is an authentic being, questioning values and virtues, not out of disrespect but out of your own self inquiry. You come across as polarising, intimidating and rebellious. People get perplexed if they can’t contain you, box you or label you. So you like the arts but you don’t fit into the struggling artist mentality? Oh you come from privilege but you’re not materialistic and into consumerist culture? You’re creative and business savvy? You recite sacred texts and spit rap in the same breath? You’re open minded / liberal and yet want a monogamous relationship? Spiritual and still very embedded in the 3D way of being? You identify as an old soul but have new age thinking? You oscillate between your feminine and masculine energy and still call yourself a feminist? How can it be This and That. You must choose, you must conform. You must belong.
What an absolute headfuck it’s been for my sense of identity. It took a toll on my own sense of self, my virtues, my values, my ambition, my intentions, my ethics, my self esteem and so much more. It took me 30 + years to say FUCK THIS SHIT. You know what? I am this and that. And if that confuses you, then that’s on you. It’s not my job to make myself more palatable or easier to digest for you. We’re human beings, with layers and complexities. And with each passing day, week, month and year we keep peeling back the onion layers. Shedding skin that no longer belongs, discovering new ways of being. We’re a WIP. Our identity + identities is a meandering journey, not a destination. Sure we have pit stops, but it’s not a forever thing. So for now I’m a dreamer, creator, lover, rebel, mystic and misfit. I belong to everyone and everything all at once, only to dissolve to nothing when the time comes. I don’t color in the lines, I don’t fit in a box, I don’t attach labels. I don’t conform, not for sake of being a nonconformist, but for the sake of conforming to my own ever evolving sense of multidimensional being.
